This is my visual representation

About Me

Seattle-ish, WA
30-something years old guy who attempts to make sense of everything happening around him and ultimately just having more questions than answers

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Song of the Day (2000 ed.): The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love

We should not start feeling nostalgic about the turn of the millenium, but it is 2010, and it has been a while now. So enjoy The Darkness, if not for nostalgia, than just for fun. Oh and check out that tiara at 1:40-ish, priceless.




Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Confession of an (ex)-smoker

Today (01/05/10), I had a really bad craving for cigarettes.

Oddly enough, I was a huge opponent of it growing up. My grandparents smoked heavily, but luckily my mom did not. Even in high school I looked down at the kids that smoked; their clothes wreaked and they all thought they were so cool.

I started smoking when I was 18. I left home and came up to Seattle, a fresh start. I befriended a neighbor. He was a cool guy. We hung out, shoot the breeze, not much a couple of fresh out of high school kids could do. I didn't know he smoked. If I remembered correctly, we were sitting in his car after watching a movie, and he pulled out his smokes from his side panel and lit up. He asked me if I wanted one. I said yeah. All of my previous judgment of smoking went with that first cigarette. I knew of the "evils" and yet i still did it. I think it was a curiosity thing. I wanted to know why these people smoked and the best way to do that was to do it. Besides, I'm an adult and I can make these decisions.

I told him I never smoked before. I don't think he encouraged or discouraged me, but I think he told me I would probably cough. I did; we laughed. It becomes easier after that first cigarette. The smell was no longer unappealing, in fact it started to smell good. One thing I noticed, If I smell cigarettes second hand, I'm kind of put-off, but if I'm smoking then it smells good, almost intoxicating. Smoking became a social thing. I felt like I could converse more with a cigarette in my hand. We spent many days afterward outside talking and having a cigarette.

As time went on my smoke buddy and I parted ways, but the habit maintained. I didn't want to quit. It passed the time. I sometimes found myself having a cigarette outside and going through stuff in my mind. What do I wanna do with myself? What are these feelings that I'm feeling? (yeah, dealing with my sexuality was done through a cigarette.) I don't want to say I meditated through the cigarette, but i found clarity whenever I looked at a cigarette as it slowly ended. I didn't exactly chain-smoke, but I could go through a pack a day easy. Apparently, I did a lot of thinking back then.

For a while, I smoked only at home. I felt ashamed that I was a smoker and I didn't want to show that weakness to my coworkers. Many years ago, smokers were allowed a room to smoke at my job. It was a small room adjacent to the break room. Everyday I would pass that room and felt rather jealous that they were smoking and I was not. One day, I grabbed my smokes from my car (yeah I started smoking in my car) and at break I went into the room. "I didn't know you smoked," was what I got for a few months. Talk about an icebreaker. I started to get to know people more once I started to smoke at work. Again smoking and socializing went hand-in-hand. It was for the most part quiet in that breakroom, until smokers were in the other room. Eventually, we had to smoke outside and away from the front entrance, but that doesn't stop us. Besides, I was able to vent and talk.

I started to go out when I was 23. I'm not a socializer, I'm a definitely wall flower, but every Tuesday and Sunday, I would go out either with a friend or alone. Before smoking was banned at the bars in Seattle, I was smoking quite a bit when I went out. I was trying to use cigarettes to socialize, but I think it ended up more of a pass the time kinda thing. I remember sometimes sitting there lost in thought at the bar, not really trying to meet anyone just passing the time as I did at outside at home. It actually kinda depressed me and I would leave early because why am I spending gas a time at a bar when I could be doing the same at home. I enjoyed myself when there was people with me, but when I'm alone it sucked bad.

Smoking was there to pass the time.

After being nagged by several family members, I decided to quit. It was not for their benefit, believe me, I would endure their constant nagging. However, smoking no longer was fun. I realized I didn't need a cigarette to socialize, because I'm still a shy wall-flower to the bone and it takes me longer to speak to people. It is who I am and I accept that. Smoking was a bleed on my money. This has been a constant since the start, but now I really wanted to use the money I was spending on cigarettes on other things.

Now here is where the physiological and psychological effect of smoking rears it's ugly head. It took me about two years to actually even try to quit. I would say to myself that I would quit. I would be nagged to quit and I would try for one day... or less. I craved for a cigarette. I wanted a cigarette. That euphoric feeling of taking that first drag was necessary to make me feel better, and I was really grumpy until I could smoke again. I tried not hanging out with the smokers, but when your co-worker and friends are generally smokers, it's really hard and rude not to speak to them. I would tell myself this is my last pack of cigarettes and fight the urge to buy another pack only to buy it and continue the cycle. I realized the depth my addiction to the nicotine. My work created a quit smoking program to which I participated. I figured if I could ween myself out I will be able to finally quit. This is where the addiction is two-fold. It was not just the nicotine that held me, it was the habits that i picked up. There was an odd comfort to having a cigarette in my hand or in my lips, it was there to remind me to do something. While I did the Nicorette lozenge, I had to change my behavior, put something in my mouth to chew on, put a pen or pencil in my hand, but I would find my self still having a cigarette. So not only was I doing the lozenge I was still smoking as well!

Finally, I decided to quit cold turkey. No cessation, no excuses, and a whole lot of grumpy. I think I was an asshole for about three months after I quit, maybe more, but I did it. I can say that I have quit smoking for almost two years.

There's one problem; I still crave smoking. I find myself everyonce in a while realizing that I want to have a cigarette. It's like coming out of a fog, my mind clears and there it is calling to me, "I want to have a cigarette." Some days are bad and some days are worse. There are even points when I plan on going to the store to buy a pack. As I type this up, I am actually thinking about that. I really shouldn't write about this while thinking I need one, but the fact that I am is preventing me from going to the store to get a pack. And although I said I quit two years ago, I have smoked since, not habitually, but I have broken down and bought a pack only to smoke a couple and then throw away the pack. Right after Christmas, I had a cigarette. A friend and I were at the store we both used to work at and "for old-times sake" we had a cigarette out at the break table. I can probably say that this latest crave was a withdrawal from smoking not too long ago, but I know it's both that and my long standing addiction.

I know now that I am an (ex)-smoker. I no longer smoke, but I am a smoker. I think because of my addiction I will always be smoker. But at least I can safely say i do not need to smoke a pack a day anymore. There will be times when I will want a cigarette and I may actually have a cigarette. I don't think I should reset the date that I quit smoking, but I should take note of when I do have a bad craving and when I did smoke. Hopefully I am strong enough to stay away from smoking constantly, but I am pragmatic. If the day comes that I do start again, I'll deal with it.

Song of the Day (80s edition): Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough

I just can't get it up, I just can't get it up...

I love Depeche Mode and despite my love for the song, I still make fun of the song lyric. Check out Dave Gahan; he looks so young there.
I think I mentioned this before, but my first CD was Depeche Mode, if only I still had it (stolen).



Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Song of the Day (90s Edition): Blur - Girls and Boys

I always rock out in my car when this song gets shuffled next. How can you go wrong with lyrics like this:

GIRLS WHO ARE BOYS
WHO LIKE BOYS TO BE GIRLS
WHO DO BOYS LIKE THEY'RE GIRLS
WHO DO GIRLS LIKE THEY'RE BOYS
ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE

And besides have you seen Damon Albarn lately? HAWT.



Monday, January 4, 2010

Song of the Day: Metric - Gold Guns Girls

I think I may have to get this song on Itunes. I think I'd rather get the whole album then one song and Metric has met my album criteria of liking at least three songs on an album. We'll see. In the meantime I'm enjoying this live show of the song... I wonder if they will make a music vid, this song is getting decent radio play at my local station.

I really like CD cover art on an Iphone


Just another Random thing... don't mind me.